My Thoughts on the Royal Wedding

I woke up at 5:55am this morning to insure that I catch a glimpse of Kate Middleton getting out of her Rolls Royce in her wedding dress at 6:00am. I don't think I've ever mentioned how much I love Kate Middleton, and perhaps it's because we share a name, but I think she's one of the most classy and gorgeous women Across the Pond has to offer. She's beautiful in a very natural way and she is stylish from head to toe and plays up her best features really well (unlike those people who use "natural beauty" as an excuse to not wear makeup and don pajamas in public).

I would be smiling, too.

A lot of people don't understand why other people (like me) care so much about the Royal Wedding. Quite frankly, I don't understand why I care so much either... but I think it's because nothing like that happens in the States. Instead, we have Donald Trump running for president. Womp womp.


Regardless of the reason, I was super pumped for this wedding. I didn't wake up at 4am when all the press coverage started because I don't care about watching the guests arrive at Westminster Abbey. I just wanted to see Kate in her top secret wedding dress. That is why I did my research and timed my alarm clock perfectly: Kate was supposed to arrive at the Abbey at 11am British time. That's 6am our time, so 5:55 it was for me. And that's exactly how it worked out... I woke up, peed, brushed my teeth, and turned on the tv as her car was slowing in front of the red carpet. And of course on a girl's wedding day she is prettier than she is every other day, and when you look like Kate Middleton you damn near blind people by being so radiant.

I can't see.

I'm not big into wedding dress designers or anything, but everyone was buzzing about it being "Sarah Burton for Alexander McQueen." Because I'm not an active member in the wedding dress community, I've never heard of Sarah Burton, nor do I understand how a designer designs for another designer. Who gets the credit? Anyway, this is what Sarah Burton apparently looks like:

So needless to say I am pretty impressed that a woman who puts so little into her own personal appearance is capable of making Kate Middleton even more gorgeous than she is on every other Friday of her life. I look past your frumpy haircut and I tip my itty bitty Fascinator hat to you, Sarah Burton. 


Fascinator hats are apparently all the rage in Britain. I read an article about there being three main types of British headgear: Fascinators, head pieces, and hats. Fascinators are the teeny little things they pin to their heads at an awkward angle, head pieces are usually just an awkward but less teeny, and hats are usually awkward and ginormous. Done the correct way any of them can be hot and fancy schmancy, but done the wrong way you wind up looking like Princess Beatrice did at the wedding today:

I was going to make fun of it but then I found a picture that does it for me.

Is she serious? I think they look goofy enough propped on your forehead much less one that looks like THAT. Kate Middleton can always pull off the Fascinator hat. Really. Google "kate middleton fascinator hat" and gaze upon how much hotness she brings to these goofy little things. On the other end of the spectrum we have Beatrice, who looks like she was let out of her cage and sent to the wedding without taking her medication. I actually spotted her among the humongous crowd in Westminster Abbey as I watched the wedding this morning. I literally noticed this monstrosity among the thousands of people crowded into that church. It scanned over her pretty quickly but I was able to identify her, and some quick Googling only confirmed my initial horror. Technically, I guess this would be a head piece instead of a Fascinator, because it's not as small as Fascinators are, but does it even matter when it gets to this level?


I would also like to point out that one of Kate's bridesmaids looked like a female Damien from The Omen:

I don't think I'd be so offended by her, considering she's just a little girl who can't help her dark circles. But then they released this picture:

Joy hurts her ears.

Is that kid weird looking, or is she weird looking? I just couldn't help but notice she looks like a minion from the sixth circle of Hell. Don't even say I'm being mean, I know you agree with me. Man!... I really don't mean to be so punchy. But my PMS has been absolutely raging for the past week so I am taking it out on these complete strangers instead of coworkers or family members. Regardless, all in all, the wedding was absolutely beautiful (if you cross out the fallopian tube hat and the mythological imp) and I do not regret sacrificing twenty minutes of sleep to watch the beginning of the ceremony. I found out Kate did her own makeup, too... how unpretentious of her. The girl's got some killer cheekbones, that's for sure. I love her! I am jealous William married her, I want to marry her. I hope they are quick to have kids so I can covet their gorgeous babies.


I would likely feel very differently toward the British Monarchy if I were one of the hardworking saps whose tax money funded this wedding. But I'm not, so I'm into it. There's still a single prince left, too! And he is better looking and has more hair than the newly married Prince William! MAYBE I STAND A CHANCE! Just kidding. He wears Nazi costumes to Halloween parties and I question his judgement. 

This is his girlfriend. And you thought I questioned his judgement because of the Nazi costume.